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I’m taking a page from Cracked and trying my hand at an article in “Top N Most X Y’s” form. I know, I know – emulating Cracked is the lowest of the low. But I never expected this site to be genteel (or good in any way). At least this way I have a chance at getting some diggs. I know they can’t get enough of the top whatever lists on that site.

So what’s with mayors? I’ve been seeing a lot of crazy mayor antics in the news lately. Seems like mayors are either up to no good or pretending they’re Superman. I think mayoral shenanigans must be the cocktail you get when you mix together a lot of the unknown with a little too much power. Or, in other words, when you put a relatively ordinary person into a position of power you never know what’s going to happen. At least governors and presidents have been around the block a few times, they’re probably career politicians and there’s been plenty of time to vet them.

Ok, let’s get on with this bullshit. Here is my list of the Top 5 Most Awesome Mayors in no particular order.

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick

Kwame is far from awesome. Did I mention that most of these are only awesome in the ironic sense? I had to include Kwame because, before he went to jail, he was mayor of my hometown. Well, okay, technically Detroit is not and never has been my hometown. I’m actually one of the millions of white people who live just beyond the city’s borders in the suburbs, yet say they’re from Detroit. What can I say? It boosts the street cred. If you’ve seen me you’ll know that I am street cred deficient. I’m on the verge of contracting scurvy — that’s how deficient I am.

But anyway, Kwame. You could say he’s awesome in at least one regard. And that is being a criminal. What hasn’t he done? Perjury, an extramarital affair, obstruction of justice, slander, nepotism, assaulting a police officer, and probably murder are the big ones. You might be inclined to say, “Well, it’s Detroit”, in the same way that you talk about your retarded cousin: “Billy’s eating feces again!” “Well, he’s retarded.”

Most people probably assume that murder is a prerequisite for holding any kind of office in Detroit. I mean, it kind of makes sense – a politician should be able to relate to the people. But no, Kwame is actually the first mayor of Detroit to be charged with a felony and the first to be sent to jail. So he’s not even that awesome of a criminal. All of Detroit’s leadership is corrupt, and everyone knows it, yet somehow he managed to get thrown in jail for it. Who wants someone that incompetent running their city?

Mayor Carty Finkbeiner

Now this guy is awesome. The 70 year old mayor of Toledo walked right into the middle of a large group of young hooligans and started calling them names. He was heard yelling “Come here, fatso!” and “Tubby, get your butt out of here!” to some kid. He went on to call the guy a “fat ass.” See, this mayor isn’t only single-handedly stopping crime, he’s fighting the obesity problem here in the Midwest. But he’s an old man, so he comes from the old school — the school of hard knocks. You don’t send kids to a fat camp or put them on a special program – no you go find them wherever they are – in the donut shop, at KFC, at the gym (j/k) or right on the street like Mayor Finkbeiner. You find them and you call them every name in the book: fatso, tubby, fat ass, el gordo, lunchbox, lardo. Or you make jokes. “Hey kid, what’s the circumference of the Earth?” “I don’t know.” “Me neither. Give me your belt and we’ll measure.” Eventually they’ll get sick of it and go on a diet. Either that or they’ll use said belt and hang themselves (assuming said belt is made of a stainless steel woven wire mesh and they can find a high enough beam to tie it to).

Carty Finkbeiner is keepin’ it real and he is therefore an Awesome Mayor.

Mayor Tom Barrett

Tom Barrett of Milwaukee isn’t as badass or cruel as Carty Finkbeiner, but he takes a similar hands-on approach to his job. Basically, a woman was crying for help, the mayor went to her aid and he ended up exchanging some fist-e-cuffs with another man. Things might have gone well for Barrett if it wasn’t for the fact that the other guy had access to a tire iron. Suffice it to say, the mayor ended up in the hospital.

I had to include him simply because they’ve made T-shirts about this guy:

I think a similar t-shirt could be made for Carty Finkbeiner, only it would say “Stop eating cream puffs, fatso.”

Mayor Frank Melton

The mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, known as “Frank” died recently. But there were a few interesting incidents during his four year term. Two of them stand out to me. The first was when he apparently had his police entourage pull over four school busses on a busy interstate so that he could hug the children. I’m not really sure what to say about that one so I’m just going to raise an eyebrow and remain silent.

The second incident involved him leading an army of young men and teenagers to a private residence and bashing the shit out of the place with sledgehammers. I guess it was a crack house (or something of the sort), but it was privately owned and occupied. It wasn’t just some abandoned building and apparently he had no authorization to do it. So here we have yet another mayor fighting crime with his own two hands… well… two hands and a sledgehammer. I’d like to see what would have happened if Frank Melton had been in Tom Barrett’s place. Does sledgehammer beat tire iron? Man that’s a fight I want to see. Hey, any kids that might be reading this: could you please re-enact a tire iron vs. sledgehammer fight with your friends and post it on YouTube? I’m curious to see how it turns out. Thanks!

Mayor Ian Stafford

Okay. This is the mayor of a small village in the UK called Lancashire. Look at that picture. What first comes to your mind when you look at this guy? Let me take a guess. Is it “that man probably breaks into women’s homes and steals their underwear?”  That is what you were thinking? Well then, you thought correctly, sir.

Apparently women in this village had been complaining about their underwear being stolen for some time. One woman was so concerned about her knickers getting nabbed that she set up a camcorder in her home and actually caught the perverted perpetrator on tape. Now, take a moment and envision the mayor of your town. Now imagine that you’ve just caught him half naked and getting off on your dirty undergarments after breaking into your house.

Oh God. Scratch that. Don’t do it. I just did and… that is a vision of Kwame I hope no one ever has to see.

How the mayor was elected in the first place I do not know. Was he the only candidate? Who was the other guy? I can only imagine what was going through the average citizen’s head when he was filling out the ballot: “This Stafford guy probably sodomizes young boys in his spare time, but there’s no way I’m voting for that other guy.” Jesus, how big of a piece of shit do you have to be to lose to this guy? I think I might avoid Lancashire on my next trip to the UK.