(This is a blog I wrote a few years ago, pre-whipjack. I think it needs a new home here.)
We just celebrated another St. Patrick’s Day, so I’ve decided to mark the occasion with a post. I’m not usually in the habit of making generalizations about racial groups, but I feel that since I am Irish, and am therefore a member of the club, I have privileged access that allows me to do just that. And, in addition, being Irish, my racism is only the result of following the example of my own people.
The Irish are religious, intolerant drunkards—as a race they’ve managed to embody all of the qualities I despise. What good have they done for the world? Not a whole lot. Their greatest accomplishments all relate to fighting wars; and not as the strategists, but as dumb foot soldiers, because beating the shit out of someone is the primary talent inherited from Irish genes. Here’s a list of some of the “top” inventions developed by Irishmen: the submarine, the ejector seat, the harpoon gun, the tank, and shorthand writing. Is there a pattern here? I would say most certainly. With the exception of shorthand writing, everything in the goddamn list is at the least indirectly related to war and murder. In fact, it was an Irish physicist (Ernest Walton) who figured out how to split the atom. Of course! The only possible motivation for an Irishman to stop drinking for five seconds and get a fucking degree would be to contribute to the development of the atomic bomb. And speaking of bombing shit, IRA anyone? Irish are essentially the Muslims of the white world.
Now, I can’t say without hypocrisy that I’m opposed to blowing the shit out of people now and then, but I feel that any race (as any individual) needs to round out their skill set a bit; try different things. And at first glance, it might appear that the Irish do indeed take part in some nonviolent activities. The list I mentioned above included one seemingly innocent invention: shorthand writing; but this is hardly a positive, and still quite befitting of the Irish. Only such a group as them would cut corners to literacy by developing a method of writing which requires as few letters as possible. How about the world of entertainment? Quite a few actors and actresses are Irish, but one of them is Ben Affleck, so the accomplishments of all others are nullified. In the area of politics we have such shining examples of humanity as Bill O’Reilly and Senator Joseph McCarthy.
What about that Lucky Charms leprechaun? I can see why the Irish might be offended by him (the product ran in Ireland but failed), as he’s hardly a representative specimen. If he accurately signified all that is Irish, he wouldn’t be talking about rainbows, pink hearts and other such homosexual trinkets. More likely he’d pull a couple pipe bombs out of his green hat and blow those kids the fuck up. No multiracial cartoon kids are going to take an Irishman’s cereal.
The Irish aren’t all bad though. Corned beef and cabbage is a tasty meal. And… well, there’s corned beef, and… I’m sure there’s something else— I just can’t think of it at the moment.
