Bob Conservative: I love pie! I eat pie all day! It’s sooo good! Derp derp derp!

Joe Rational Person: Maybe you should cut down on the pie, Bob.

Bob: Fuck you, you socialist, communist, anti-American pie, tofu-guzzling Ass fairy!

(years later)

Bob: Great. I have heart disease and cancer. Why aren’t you doing anything about it, Joe? You dick! Get out of here, you’re not my friend anymore!

Dan Conservative: Hi Bob! Glad you got rid of that douche cuz I’ve got the solution!

Bob: I hope it’s not pie, because I’m anti-pie now.

Dan: It’s more pie!

Bob: Awesome!

“I’m sure there are all sorts of higher powers like electromagnetism and gravity, and things like that. But I don’t believe in a deity, no. I see no evidence for that in my life or anywhere else in the universe. Personally, people can believe what they will and they will believe what they want. I find that most deism, and certainly most theisms take a fairly narrow view of the universe, and most people’s views of God or gods seem to be rather impoverished. The universe itself, the physical world that we can perceive with our senses and grasp with our minds, seems to be far more wondrous then most people’s conceptions of a deity.”

— Ron Reagan, PR.com interview, April 13, 2009

Actually, I think pretty much everyone is confused about this topic, so, since everyone has spontaneously become a libertarian following the election of Brack Obama, I think we need to get our definitions straight. In the linked audio clip, Glenn Beck refers to Muse as a group of libertarians and he identifies with their lyrics. It’s true they are (or at least Matthew Belamey is), but what people need to understand is that there are two kinds of libertarians: one on the left and one on the right.

By agreeing with Muse, Glenn is indirectly agreeing with socialism. Matthew Belamey is a proponent of Geoism, which is a belief that land belongs to everyone rather than the private individuals who can afford it (it’s different from communism, but I don’t want to get into details right now). Beck was specifically giving a nod to the anti-globalization, Orwellian stuff in Muse’s music, which I think most libertarians agree with. I think if he spent a little more time getting to know the band, though, he’d be pretty put off.

I have some thoughts on right libertarians, but I’m not in the mood for arguing politics right now, so I’m not getting into it. I’m also not in the mood for hyperbole at the moment, so what follows are two quick and humorless definitions of the two sides.

Right Libertarian

Here in the United States libertarianism is associated with right-wing politics. The third-largest political party in the U.S. is the Libertarian Party (with a big L), which is aligned to the right. They, like all libertarians, are primarily interested in optimizing individual liberties. They see the government as the main suppressor of liberties, so they’re (quite obviously) in favor of decreasing government power. They’re pro-capitalism – they believe in free markets and private ownership. By freeing the marketplace from government control, right-libertarians believe private citizens will be free to maximize their full potential.

Ron Paul is probably the most high-profile right-libertarian in the United States. A LOT of people, including myself for a time, supported him during the presidential primaries.

Left Libertarian

In Europe the term libertarian refers to a left-leaning political philosophy associated with socialism (but generally not state-controlled socialism). These guys are against private property and pro-union. So, off the bat, from the socialism to the unions, these people are not the kind of people Beck wants to be talking up.

The fundamental ideal that differentiates left-libertarianism from what we have here in the U.S. is a distrust of institutionalized authority in ALL of its forms – not just government. Some examples include your boss and the corporate hierarchy of your employer, religious authority, the power of the wealthy over the poor, even a husband’s authority over his wife (“to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part”).

Left libertarianism predates the version we have here in America, and some on the left are opposed to our use of libertarian as a pro-capitalist term.

Noam Chomsky is a well-known left-leaning libertarian.

That’s all. Sorry for not ranting. Maybe next time.

I was like, “Oh shit! The government is bad at estimating!” I never knew that before. I’ve worked for a few corporations in my day and I must say, they are awesome at estimating. If only they were in charge of everything.

And while staring longingly into Glenn Beck’s eyes, I got to thinking. If the government could be so off the mark estimating the cost of Medicare, what else could they have been wrong about? Well, I did some research and I made my own little pictograph thingy. I hope Glenn likes it:

When I go to my next townhall and my conservative friends and I are all shouting about the evil fascist government’s horrible spending practices, I’m going to bring this image with me. Those libs are going to be so mad!

I’m posting here to keep everyone informed of the current situation. Apparently school children all over the country are leaving their classrooms, donning red shirts and bandanas and marching in the fucking streets!

A friend of mine said he witnessed a mob of children in the parking lot of the office where he works chanting, “PROLETARIANS UNITE!” How do they even know what that means? I barely know what it means!

A few minutes ago there was an interview on the news with a nine year old girl named Emma. She said, “I think all people should share and be treated equally.” I hear that they had to put her down shortly after the interview. Another student whose name was not given was asked what he wanted to do when he grows up. His answer: “I want to crush capitalist dogs.” They tazed him right there and you can only imagine what they did with him once the cameras were off.

This is all because of the president’s back-to-school speech. “It’s O-BAM-a’s fault,” a mother on Fox News said with tears in her eyes. “He’s turned our kids into Godless pinkoes!” That’s right, he got us through our kids. That son of a bitch went right into our schools. Why would they give someone like the President of the United States access to our kids? What the FUCK were they thinking?

I guess lots of parents are actually being converted by their children. A friend sent me an IM talking about what happened to his brother. It was incredibly disturbing. Apparently his brother was a hardcore conservative – I mean a real wingnut. He always went on about how Obama was a Muslim, a fascist, and wasn’t born in the U.S. He even drew one of those Hitler moustaches on a picture of the president at one of those moronic town halls. So I was completely shocked when my friend told me that when his brother raced to his daughter’s school to pick her up (after discovering that they were showing the Obama speech) she converted him on the spot.

That’s how quickly it happens, folks! This does not work like zombiism! It is not a gradual transformation. It is especially virulent in kids because of their weaker immune systems. My friend’s brother went from denouncing gays for causing 911 to practically purchasing a ticket to Moscow so he could suck Vladimir Lenin’s preserved dick.

As I’m writing this I heard a child outside my window shouting, “Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy!” I think he’s slightly confused. I have a hunch that we can beat these kids with superior tactics. Remember, children are slightly dumber than the average adult. They also tend to be physically weaker. You should be able to take out an individual without too much trouble. But watch out for these mobs I’m hearing about. They’re very dangerous in groups. If one jumps on your head, try to pull it off and use it as a weapon against the others by swinging it about like a baseball bat. Please see this for more information.

I must say, this whole thing has been incredibly eye-opening for me. I was so enthralled by the fact that Obama was the first black president that I didn’t realize he was secretly trying to destroy America. Now I see that he’s not even black, but rather an Arab; a commie Arab Nazi to be exact — a comarna… a coaran… a caranaz… dammit those all sound stupid. Wait, rearrange the words and you can do Arnacom. That sounds kind of intimidating.

But really, why didn’t I realize the melting pot of evil that is Barack Obama? His middle name is Hussein and his last name rhymes with Osama for Christ sakes. Conservatives kept telling us this during the election and like an idiot I didn’t listen. So there, it’s obvious that the president is an Arab. But how do I know that he’s a Nazi? Well, Nazis are fascists and Francisco Franco was a fascist. Look at these pictures:

See it? The two men look identical. If you can’t tell, Obama is the one on the left. See? He’s a fuckin’ fascist Nazi. Do a similar comparison to Che Guevara and, again, striking resemblance. Proof Obama is also a commie.

It’s amazing to think that just this morning I supported his ideas for health care reform! Now I realize that free health care is the devil. Do you remember the Transitive Property of Equality from grade school math? It basically says that if a = b and if b = c, then a = c. Taking care of everyone is communism and communism is evil, therefore taking care of everyone is evil. It seems so simple now!

Oh Jesus… Transitive Property of Equality? Shit, I might be turning. Okay, listen. We all need to do our part to fight this. We need to go to McDonald’s and Wal-Mart and buy Coca-Cola and do whatever we can to help our corporations. They need it now more than ever! They are the archenemies of Reds and are therefore even greater friends to us average Joes than they’ve ever been before. I bought five hundred boxes of McNuggets a few minutes ago and I am currently stuffing my face. This is key! When you buy the McNuggets you have to eat them! I hear that the tertiary butylhydroquinone in them staves off the effects of Leninism. Be warned that your mileage may vary with other brands of Communism.

I currently reside in Ann Arbor, Michigan which is a pinko stronghold. If you do not hear from me I have probably been converted. If you do hear from me and my post contains an unusual number of positive references to “peace” and “love” and “equality” do NOT listen. If I keep going on about patchouli oil and the health and environmental benefits of hemp, block the site IMMEDIATELY. If I start quoting neo-psychedelia like MGMT and command you to “Take only what you need from it”, don’t waste time blocking the site, just GET THE FUCK OUT and never come back!

Good luck and may God have mercy on us all.