Where have I been? Well… nowhere interesting. Most of my days are spent putzing around on the computer or doing nothing or drinking. At this very moment I’m actually operating under the influence of some Captain Morgan® Original Spiced Rum. Got a little Captain in You? I generally prefer Jack, Jim, or Johnnie, but when I’m drinking in the middle of the day I tend to go for something a little lighter. Heaven forbid people think I’m a drunken jobless loser.

Let’s see. I went to Subway today. Half the patrons were staring at me the whole time I was there, which always happens to me at Subway for some reason, but on the bright side they had Italian dressing. Nothing pisses me off more than a Subway without Italian dressing. And they try to pass off vinegar & oil as “the same thing.” It is NOT the same thing you assholes! I know nothing about the preparing and mixing of consumable ingredients and the resulting actualization of condiments, but I’m damn sure there’s spices and shit in Italian dressing. Vinegar & oil contains two things: vinegar and fucking oil. No spices and no shit! So shut up!

Seriously, it’s like, what if I make chocolate chip cookies for my nephew, but I follow Subway guy logic? What’s in chocolate chip cookies? Sugar, water, butter, flour, chocolate chips, etc. Right? Well, what if I throw out everything but the butter and the chocolate chips? “Here Billy! Here are your fucking chocolate chip cookies!” What would he be thinking when I drop a stick of butter with chocolate chips pressed into it onto his plate and call it a chocolate chip cookie? I’ll tell you. He’ll be thinking: “Are you fucking retarded, Uncle Shaun?” And he would be right to ask that. Because that would quite literally be fucking retarded. Do you hear me Subway guy?

But I digress.

OH! Ah ha! I know what I’ve been doing. I’ve been deleting spam — Russian comment spam to be exact. I get tons of it on this site, all written in Cyrillic letters with the backwards R’s and N’s. Fortunately, thanks to my Lord and Savior, Google, I can translate it and be sure they’re not talking shit about me. Here is an example:

Я отметила отлично  нацепила на голову тыкву и бегала по улице.

Which translates to:

I said well dressed up a pumpkin on his head and ran down the street.

Okay, they’re not bad mouthing me in their secret language. They’re just psycho bat-shit crazy. Whew.

But, really, I swear this would not happen under Soviet rule. I see the fruits of the free market are juicy and succulent in the former Communist state. And because of it I get to waste my time checking boxes and selecting “Mark as Spam” in WordPress when I could be spending my time drinking Captain Morgan® Original Spiced Rum. Got a little Captain in You?

Christ. Give me the looming threat of global annihilation any day. At least with that I can have hope that this pisshole world is going to end soon.

But I digress.

What was this post supposed to be about anyway? Hmm, trying to think. Oh, I just looked at the title. Jump Thrust. This article is about the Jump Thrust. What is the Jump Thrust, you ask? Well, take a look at this:

It is the most badass sword-based attack. This particular instance is from the trailer for the new Clash of the Titans. Here we see Sam Worthington as Perseus performing said attack. It’s when a warrior runs and jumps into the air and stabs down and seriously fucks up his opponent in a singularly awesome fashion.

This trailer, which just came out, really got me thinking about Jump Thrusting. It’s all the rage these days. I’m seeing it everywhere. So, if you want to be cool I suggest you learn how to execute a proper Jump Thrust. I personally recommend following Achilles’ technique in the movie Troy.

First, the run up

Then the jump

Followed shortly after by the thrust

Then the “aaaarggghhh!!”

Close with the nonchalant “Did I just kill a guy with a jump thrust? Fuck yeah I did” walk, while the guy collapses behind you

And dead.

Here we have the classic scene from 300 where the dude cuts off the other dude’s arm:

It’s actually more of a Jump Slash than a Jump Thrust, but we’re talking about the same family of martial techniques here. All that really matters is the jump and the overall Badassery Quotient, not the specific technique.

I’m wondering, though — is the Jump Thrust only performable by ancient Greeks? I mean, my examples were Perseus, Achilles, and the Spartans. All Greeks. If this is the case, I’m extremely disappointed. I am not Greek. I’m Irish and Danish… and Scottish… and English… and… well, let’s just say Super White.  It’s disappointing because I can think of some people I’d love to Jump Thrust. I’d probably Jump Thrust half of my High School classmates if I could. Bill O’Reilly immediately comes to mind. Rush Limbaugh too, but I’d have to Jump Thrust him extra hard to get through all of the layers of fat. Oh, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View. Man, I’d Jump Thrust her all day.

I’d LOVE nothing more than to Jump Thrust Glenn Beck. But I’m pretty sure he likes getting Jump Thrusted. Kind of like my good friends over at What Would Picard Do? and Save Natural Selection. I know they can’t get enough of being Jump Thrusted.

If you’re not an ancient Greek hero, there is a way you can still Jump Thrust. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’ve done it. You probably just don’t remember.

Take a look at this:

Yes, the little Elven pinko, Link, learns what is called the “Downward Thrust” in Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link after speaking to a Hylian Knight in the Harbor Town of Mido (No I didn’t know that off the top of my head. I looked it up, so STFU). The knight’s only words are, “WHEN YOU JUMP PRESS DOWNWARD TO STAB.” If only real life wasn’t so gay and it was this easy to perform a Jump Thrust. I’d be so awesome.

Hey, what if you could do everything in life by talking to a knight and pressing a sequence of buttons?

WHEN WALKING HOLD “A” TO RUN

WHEN WORKING OUT PRESS UPWARD AND DOWNWARD TO GET BUFF

WHEN SLEEPING AT NIGHT PRESS FORWARD TO SHUT NEIGHBOR’S GOD DAMN DOG UP

WHEN GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING PRESS LEFT TO DISABLE AUDIO PROCESSING PORTION OF BRAIN

WHEN GRANDMA CRAPS SELF FOR THOUSANDTH TIME HOLD RIGHT TO SCOLD AND CLEAN UP MESS

WHILE TRYING TO CLIMB CORPORATE LADDER PRESS “B” TO SLIT OWN THROAT AND DIE

Speaking of Zelda 2, what a strange game. It was nothing like its predecessor. Zelda 1 was top-down and you couldn’t even do a normal jump, so the idea of Jump Thrusting was beyond all conceivable imagination. Does Jump Thrusting make Zelda 2 a better game than the original? Hands down, YES.

That’s it. I need more Captain Morgan® Original Spiced Rum. Got a little Captain in You?

(Follow whipjack.net on twitter at twitter.com/whipjack. Get this same crap in 140 characters or less. Well, eventually. When I actually start using it)