I saw G.I. Joe the other night. It was Monday at a theater that only charges $5 during the week. There was no way in Hell that I’d pay the full $10 to see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Why? Well, a couple reasons come to mind. First, it’s another movie based on a cheesy 80’s cartoon. Second, the studio refused to show it to critics. If that doesn’t imply that your movie is a pile of garbage I don’t know what does. Apparently a small subset of “critics” did actually see it. The studio showed it to people who would be more likely to “get” the movie. Namely: Hicks, Rednecks, Joe Six-Packs and the rest of real America. Red states basically. People who like “dumb” action flicks.

But my question is why do dumb action flicks have to be dumb? They spent 170 million fucking dollars on this movie. $170 MILLION! Where did it all go?

Not to the writers, that’s for sure. Instead of what could have been a decent war movie, we got a spaghetti plot about chasing a briefcase.

Did it go to the special effects? If so, they got TOOK. I could probably cook up better effects with my old copy of Blender 3D. These people could learn a thing or two about effects from Peter Jackson, and that’s saying something (no, I’m not a fan of Weta).

The actors? How much does Channing Fucking Tatum (yes, his middle name is Fucking) catch per picture? Probably too much. But he’s the key to bridging the gender gap so I guess he’s necessary. Marlon Wayans, while pretty good, was not necessary. His character (Rip Cord, who was not black in the cartoon) was nothing more than the stereotypical wise-cracking black sidekick. Dennis Quaid has become the hallmark of a bad film. Which is odd, because he was in some decent stuff in the past. Traffic, The Rookie, Frequency. I guess after Flight of the Phoenix he discovered that he couldn’t get enough of acting in shitty movies and never looked back.

Perhaps it was more the fault of the script than Christopher Eccleston who played McCullen/Destro, but when he delivered this line near the end of the movie in his thick Scottish accent, “I’ve finally taken ma place in tha loong line of McCullen’s” my brother and I were practically rolling on the floor laughing.

They should have spent a little more money on the script and a lot more money on a better director. Have you seen Stephen Sommers’ aggregate score on Rotten Tomatoes? It’s 10%. 10 PERCENT! How does he keep getting hired? Well, I guess for the same reason as Michael Bay (7% on RT): box office numbers. But the thing is, action flicks can bring in big audiences while simultaneously being good. I know, it sounds crazy, but look at the Batman movies. Look at Christopher Nolan (100% on RT). There are a billion wannabe directors out there. Granted, 999 million of them probably blow, but if 99% of the remainder are busy making art films that no one wants to see, that still leaves 10,000 Christopher Nolans. Christ, Hollywood, give one of them a chance you nepotistic bastards! Fuck you and your fear of anything new!

Speaking of Michael Bay, this movie may actually have fared better in his hands. I can’t believe I just wrote that, especially after my brain got gang raped by the Transformers movies, but I’ll repeat myself: this movie may have fared better in the hands of Michael Bay.

I say this because it felt a little too soft. Maybe even too liberal? I feel like an action movie about American soldiers and American exceptionalism should have been tougher; meatier if you will. Especially given the apparent target audience. Michael Bay films are all about that kind of stuff: overly patriotic, overly obsessed with soldierhood and military power. I actually would have enjoyed seeing some gung-ho, go from the gut, old school, cowboy conservatism in this movie. I’m thinking of John “I believe in white supremacy” Wayne or Clint “I’ll kill Michael Moore” Eastwood. Those are tough guys. These Joes just seemed kind of weak. No sooner than Duke and Rip Cord were brought in to the “secret” G.I. Joe base in Egypt (of all places), did the bad guys show up and trash the place with little effort at all. Later on they just barely saved Paris and allowed the Eiffel Tower to be destroyed in a scene reminiscent of Team America: World Police.

The Joes really came back in the end sequence; a sequence also known as “Star Wars Under the Sea.” But the CG submarines flying this way and that doing loop-de-loops and barrel rolls around the Deathstar – err, enemy undersea base – made the whole scene too unreal in my opinion. This was a shiny fantasy movie while I wanted a gritty war movie.

I guess that’s more my fault than the movie’s. I mean, it was based on a cheesy 1980’s cartoon for Christ sakes. If sticking to its source material was the primary goal, I suppose I’d have to label this movie a success. It was, most concisely, a cartoon without drawings.

I suppose I need to delve into the American psyche to understand why we need these live-action cartoons. Why not just release the movie as a cartoon where suspension of disbelief is a given? Within the context of a cartoon I might be more willing to accept the God-awful flashbacks for Duke and Snake Eyes. I might also have been more willing to accept the ridiculous motivations behind the characters’ actions. I still can’t understand why Joseph Gordon-Levitt went from being a bright-eyed, intelligent, young soldier to wanting to enslave his sister’s mind and take over the world. Apparently it had something to do with science? Or something? And why was Ana (or The Baroness) so pissed at Duke for “what he did?” What did he actually do? And McCullen — he wanted to destroy Paris because the French killed his ancestor in the 17^th century?

In one of the Snake Eyes flashbacks we see Pat Morita, err Mako or no… Viktor Wong… no wait… I don’t know who it was… some generic Japanese martial-arts master declare that Child Snake Eyes is “Top of the class!” Seconds later we hear “ARGHGHGH!!” and discover that the master has been killed by Child Storm Shadow. That’s essentially the history behind the two most badass characters in the movie. Later on we learn why Snake Eyes doesn’t speak, in a single, very awkwardly written line delivered by Storm Shadow. It seems like the writers wanted to tell us why Snake Eyes doesn’t speak, but they couldn’t really find a way to work it in.

I believe the reason it can’t be a cartoon is money (what else right?). Cartoons are for kids and there just aren’t enough kids with cash. We were kids when we watched G.I. Joe. Now we’re grown ups. We can’t watch animated drawings do stupid, ridiculous shit. We need to watch real people do stupid, ridiculous shit.

Perhaps the 300/Sin City treatment would have served this movie better. Those flicks blur the line between reality and fantasy in a more acceptable way. We get to see 2-dimensional characters come to life as real, breathing human beings with depth and emotion, yet the world they inhabit is still very much a stylized, brush-stroked, fictional universe. These big blockbusters like Transformers et al are supposed to be set in our world — the real world — so we’re supposed to believe what is happening could actually happen, while simultaneously suspending disbelief because none of it could happen. It messes with the mind.

When I was asked about the score I’d give this movie, I said two stars, 5 out of 10, one thumb up, whatever. It has explosions and action and all that escapist stuff. And like I said, it stuck to its roots well enough. I just think it could have been better. I’ve been pondering what I would have done if Paramount had come to me and said, “Shaun, we want you to make the G.I. Joe movie for us. Will you do it?” In reality I probably would have crapped myself and responded, “Yes I will do it. Tell me exactly how you want it, sir, and I will do it. That goes for both the movie and whatever you want me to do in your bedroom later.”

But if it wasn’t reality and I wasn’t a big, weak, nerdy pushover I probably would have done it something like the following. It would begin during a big battle in World War II. The allies are getting crushed by the Nazis and are about to retreat. But one man, maybe his name is Joe, gathers his courage and turns the tide of the battle. From that point on he leads a special elite team of “Joes” throughout the remainder of the war and kicks lots of Nazi ass. Then we jump to a Watchmen-esque opening montage of passing time: the war ends; Joe has a son (Hawk) who he teaches about valor and manhood and all that crap; Hawk becomes a hero in his own right in Vietnam; when he returns, Hawk is disillusioned and angered by the treatment of American soldiers, but he’s calmed by the birth of his son; we see the 911 attacks; then Hawk’s son goes to fight in Iraq, where he’s killed in battle. Hawk, who is a general at this time, leaves the military and almost gives up entirely.

But then! There’s a massive attack by a new, mysterious organization calling itself Cobra. Maybe a sports stadium blows up ala The Sum of All Fears. Hawk is called in to form a special team to fight this new, technologically advanced enemy. We see him scouting out and recruiting the Joes: Duke, Flint, Shipwreck, Snake Eyes, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, etc, etc. The things his father taught him about valor and courage and standing up against enemies are the glue that keeps this elite fighting force together. I imagine a Patton-like quality to his demeanor and speeches. In the end, when Cobra tries another attack, they get their clocks cleaned and as we leave the theater, we’re all singing the National Anthem and planning cookouts and calling our auto dealers to trade in our Priuses for the biggest, baddest, gas-guzzling SUV’s we can find.

I don’t know. Maybe that would suck. But at the least it would have a rousing score. To me the soundtrack is an incredibly important tool for aiding the visuals in conveying tone and emotion. I love Alan “Back to the Future” Silvestri but the score for this movie was so generic and forgettable, so overshadowed by the explosions and shouting, that as far as I’m concerned it didn’t even have one.

Apparently this is supposed to be the first installment in a trilogy. I’m not sure what movie isn’t part of a trilogy these days, so that information is mostly useless I guess. I’m sure that, like Transformers, I’ll go and see the sequels. I’ll validate the idea that you can put crap in a can and slap a nostalgic label on it and end up swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck. I can’t help it. I already mentioned how much of a pushover I am. You probably are too. I think we all need Hawk to give a rousing, Patton-esque speech about standing up against movies like G.I. Joe. Until then they will keep invading our theaters, and I’ll keep complaining, but nothing will change.

(By the way, this was 100 times better than the movie: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/076041c13b/the-ballad-of-g-i-joe)